"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." - Victor Frankl, author of "Man's Search for Meaning"

If you react immediately, without thinking or feeling, you're missing the freedom and the choice. How does this work?

We have three brains - the reptilian, the limbic and the neocortex. The reptilian brain, or brainstem, is the place where we have instinctual reactions - aggression, territorial defense,
sexual instincts, fear, disgust. Did you think of the word "primitive"? These are "primitive" reactions.

In fact when we have these reactions, they're accompanied by chemical responses that forego thinking. If we stopped to think when we saw a bull charging toward us, we would be dead. Our
self-preservation instinct wants us not to think but to act, and act quickly.

When this happens we're "hijacked." It's when something pops out of our mouth, or we whack someone, or run. When we wonder what we were thinking, or say "I wasn't myself that day." Our brain is overcome by the emotional reaction and we don't think.

The limbic brain is where emotions such as bonding, affection, social responsibility, and parenting reside.

The neocortex is our "thinking" brain. It's control central - where we are rational, logical, analytical and deliberative.

A resilient and successful response to today's fast-changing world requires the use of all 3 brains. What works with one person, won't work with another; what worked yesterday, won't work tomorrow. And almost never is an instant reaction
the best choice, except in life-threatening situations.

And remember that our brains don't know the difference between something truly life-threatening and something that just feels that way.

To understand how this works, look at this example. If you "can't help" hitting someone when you're angry, consider how rapidly you would hit Mike Tyson if he angered you. Of course you can
control and manage the reaction to your anger . when it matters enough to you to do it.

Exercise this space between stimulus and response as if it were a muscle.

Take a deep breath, focus on your feelings and experience them. Become aware of where your reaction is coming from, and learn to move around to other parts of your brain. Take the time to consider several alternate responses. Then exercise your freedom to choose the response most appropriate for a good outcome for you and to the others concerned. This is being emotionally intelligent as well as intellectually intelligent,
and why our EQ is more important to our success and happiness than our IQ.

Victor Frankl is famous because he spent time in a concentration camp and then became a psychologist. He learned a lot about resilience during his time in the concentration camp, and about the meaning of life.

When we understand the growth and freedom we have from exercising restraint, and responding, not reacting, then we can have meaning in our life.

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©Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc. Coaching w/ emotional intelligence for career, relationships, work issues, parenting, leadership, focus, intuition, resilience, positive psychology. EQ coach
certification - http://www.eqcoach.net. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezines.